There is something about that state up there

Image via Wikipedia https://goo.gl/KLW5oi

Just last week, my boss at my internship asked me a question that many college students get asked nearly 3 times a week, in some form or another -

"What do you plan to do after you graduate?"

A seemingly harmless question.  My answer for that question has been changing and evolving as I've progressed through college.  My answer this time was something like -

"I'd like to find a job doing multimedia work, or possibly PR, but I'm not sure I'm using the next year to figure things out."

That was my safe, basic answer. But after hearing it my boss talked about his own personal experience finding a job in his field after he graduated (he graduated a psych major from IU who eventually started a business making soap). He then went on to revise his question, and I don't remember the exact wording, but there was one key word that was swapped out -

"What do you want to do after you graduate?"

-

I'm not entirely sure when I started becoming so interested in the state of Alaska, but it was within the last year.  Alaska has a population of 736,000, which is actually more than Wyoming and Vermont, but the population is very spread out.  On average there are only 1.2 people per square mile, which actually makes it one of the most sparsely populated places on Earth.  This is helped by the fact that Alaska is huge.  It clocks in at 665,384 square miles, larger than Texas, California, and Montana combined. If it were its own nation, it would be the 18th largest in the world (right behind good ol' Libya).

But most importantly, as far as what I've seen in pictures and heard through testimony, Alaska is absolutely beautiful.

Denali National Park

Image via Michael DeYoung, Travel Alaska.com https://www.travelalaska.com/

Glenn Highway at Lions Head and Church Mountains

Image via Michael DeYoung, Travel Alaska.com https://www.travelalaska.com/

Northern Lights in Fairbanks Alaska

Image via http://www.alaskanorthernlightscruises.com/alaskan-northern-lights/

Anchorage Alaska Skyline

Image via Flickr https://c1.staticflickr.com/9/8482/8212311983_3a9d591af6_b.jpg

You get the idea.  I can go on too - the Aleutian Islands, the midnight sun, Mt. McKinly...  Alaska is mysterious, dark, far away, risky and dangerous.  And I think that's that's why it appeals to me.  I want to pack up everything I own, and drive there.

That's the real answer to "what do I want to do after I graduate."  I want to take a risk.  I want to go out, get lost, and find out about myself.  I don't want to do something boring, I don't want to do something comfortable.  I want to do something crazy.  I want to experience God like I never have before.  This is my chance.  It doesn't necessarily have to be immediately after I graduate, and it doesn't necessarily have to be Alaska.  It could be Montana, Maine, Washington State, Oregon, or even China.  I'm not just throwing these places out, these are places I have thought seriously about living in. I want to travel.  I want to trust God and just go for it.

I can look forward and see a life where I stay in Indiana, find a job working in Indy or Bloomington, get involved in a local church, settle down, raise a family.  Absolutely nothing wrong with that.  That actually sounds like a pretty great life, and still could be Gods plan, who knows.  But what if I didn't plan to do that.

I love Indiana, and I wouldn't want to have grown up anywhere else.  But I think growing up in Indiana is part of what has sparked this curiosity in me.  Jon McLaughlin, an artist from Anderson, wrote a song called "Indiana."  The opening lines go

I'm glad I never lived next to the water

So I could never get used to the beach

I'm glad I never grew up on a mountain

To figure out how high the world could reach

I hinted at this a little bit already, but this fascination I have with Alaska goes so much deeper than seeing cool places and experiencing new things.  It's really all about experiencing God.  I want learn about him, to see His name in every star and in every mountain, to quietly breath it as I step into something entirely unknown.  And then, I want to tell the world about it, to write to take pictures, to proclaim God's name.  To do that as a job, to have someone pay me to go out and do that - that would be the dream.

Come and hear, all you who fear God,

and I will tell you what he has done for my soul. - Psalm 66:16

So what will happen after I graduate?  I can't say for sure.  Actually, I have no idea.  But I'm trusting the Lord.  Should be fun.

- Jake




(Alaska facts taken from Wikipedia, if you were wondering)

The Legacy of Ty Williams

This is not a blog, it's just on a blog.  I don't really think there is a name for what this is.  I hope that by reading this, everything just makes more sense.

I was sitting on my bed at 1:50pm on Saturday when I heard the news.  I was already anxious because me and Ty were supposed to have left an hour ago to go to Cincinnati, where the next day at 6:30am we'd run a marathon together.  But despite multiple calls and texts, I had heard nothing all morning.  The last I talked to him was via text around 5 the night before.  Ty has always been a little flaky with plans, sometimes you really had to get on him about stuff.  But this was different.  This was something we had both been training for all semester.  This was something that cost 100 dollars to sign up for.  This was something that I knew he didn't want to miss.

I had my friend Jake, someone who was also extremely close to Ty, go look for him to see if he could find him.  Jake was Ty's roommate their freshman year, and currently he lived downtown in an apartment not even 200ft away from Ty's.  At this point I was thinking maybe his phone was dead, or he never got my text explaining I wanted to leave at 1, or something else.  But it was getting late enough that nothing was adding up.  I think at worst I thought Ty was going to bail on me.  Nothing could have prepared me for the call I got from Jake.

"Dude, Ty can't run the marathon with you."

"Why what's going on where is he?"

"He's been shot."

I didn't believe it.  If you don't know Jake, sometimes his joking voice is really similar to his serious voice, and over the phone I just couldn't tell.  I waited for him to say "I'm just kidding, Ty is fine, he's in his apartment."  I don't remember how the conversation specifically went after this, I know it was something close to this:

"Are you joking?"

"No, I'm not joking."

"Tell me you are joking."

"I'm not joking."

"If you are joking you need to tell me right the f*** now."

"Jake, I'm not f***ing joking, he's dead.  He was shot in his car."

By then my hand was over my mouth, and I began to sink to the floor as the reality of those words pierced me like a knife.  No, it couldn't be true.  But it was.  My dad was in the same room with me, and I remember him putting his arm around me as I began to cry, still on the phone.  I don't remember what I said before I hung up, but I managed to get a text sent shortly after that said "call me when you know more."

Ty was a co-captain of the XC team his senior year

I stopped crying for the moment and regained composure.  All I remember about the next 15 minutes was me walking around my house, and looking out the front window for a while. My phone lit up in my hand as Jake called again.  What I heard next shook me to my core, and I can't really think of a time that I've felt worse than right after I heard these words.

"The police are here, they are contacting his parents.  They think it was suicide."

No.  It was a couple different of emotions that came in waves, one after another, again and again and again.  Disbelief, anger, sadness, guilt, disbelief, sadness, guilt, confusion.  But there was one thing that I just knew 100% without a doubt was true.  I had to run the marathon.  I was already running it for the glory of God.  Now I had to run it for Ty as well.

But confusion lingered.  I didn't know what to do.  Do I head downtown?  Who do I call?  Do I leave now to Cincinnati?  Should I head downtown?  Do I need to talk to police?  Would going downtown help?  I was lost.  Still on the phone with Jake, and managed to gain enough composure to ask

"Jake, what do I do?  I don't know what to do.  Should I come downtown?  Can I help?"

"No I don't think you can help.  I don't want you to see this."

"F***.  I think, I just... I think I am still going to do the marathon."

"Ya man, you run that f***ing marathon.  You run that for Ty."

And that was it.  My dad was in the room with me again, but my crying had gotten so intense, it took all the strength I had to tell him what he needed to know.  To tell him what you need to know.  It's what I needed to say, and you need to hear it now.

"They think it was suicide."

Ty's 14th birthday

Here are the small details that suck, but need to be covered.  He was found in the back seat of his car, and that is where the suicide took place.  He used his own, legally acquired handgun he bought a month earlier.  He passed away  between 8 and 8:30 on Friday night.  And we know that for certain because:

1. Jake came home from reffing a soccer game around 8:30, and noticed a hole in the rear passenger window of Ty's car as he walked by, but thought nothing of it.  Perhaps someone tired to break into Ty's car, who knows I'll ask him when I see him.  Anyone who has ever ridden in Ty's little VW will know the windows are pretty much a limo tint, and there is no way to see inside.

2. A tweet was sent out from Ty's phone at 7:08.

3. His roommate saw him leave the apartment at around 8.  Ty had cleaned his room, and said "bye" to his roommate as he left.

And that was it.

Ty was not seen all night.  When he bailed on some friends plans to go to a concert, they thought nothing of it, because in all honestly, that was not something out of the ordinary enough to raise any concern.  What did raise concern was when I texted Jake the next morning, asking him to go check on Ty.  Jake turned on the "Find Friends" app on his phone to see where Ty's phone was.  The app said it was in Ty's car.  That was when Jake put two and two together.

If you've been on Facebook at all the past weekend, and are FB friends with me, you will have a rough idea of the story from here, but I'll fill in where Facebook doesn't do justice.

Go back to me in my house a total wreck, trying to figure out what to do.  Besides Jake, I knew the most about the situation at that point, and I knew I needed to start contacting people.  That burden of knowledge was so heavy.  I didn't want it, but I knew I had to start calling friends, and spreading the word.  Thinking of who to call first was hard, I couldn't think of anyone.  I realized later that was because there were so many I could have called.  But I thought of a few names, and I called.  The rest took care of itself.

My Mom changed her plans, and drove me to Cincinnati, as I attempted to answer phone call after phone call, and text after text in the car, all the while realizing how many people were in the need to know loop.  So many people were so close to Ty.  And none of them could believe a word of it.  That was tough, I was still was in shock, I still couldn't believe it.  I think I told some people there is still a chance it could have been an accident, because more than anything in the world that's what I wanted to be true.  But deep down, I knew the truth.  Technically there is still a chance.  It could be upwards of 3 months before the official report is released that says yes, this was suicide.  That is just how long these things take.  But with the evidence we have before us, with everything we now know, we have to face the reality of this situation.  At the time, I don't think I was ready for that.

Ty with his father

I remember walking through the packet pick up area in downtown Cincinnati that afternoon with a sense of numbness.  If you are not familiar with organized races, one of the most enjoyable parts of them are the expos that take place before the race, where you can get tons of free food and shirts and buy all sorts of cool running gear.

But that day, nothing seemed real, I was tired, I was exhausted, I had hardly eaten all day and still wasn't hungry.  I didn't want to talk to the people in the booths, I didn't want free energy bars or shirts, I didn't want to look at running socks, and I didn't even want to go to the T-shirt exchange table, even though my race shirt was way too big.  I just didn't care.

I can talk about the race.  I'll keep it brief.  It was the most awful thing I've ever been through in my entire life.  It was also the greatest.  Running for Ty, and wearing his bib was an honor.  Seeing the support of friends who got less than an hour of sleep to come watch me run, and friends who ran the entire marathon with me, when hours before they had no idea they would be running a marathon, was beyond a blessing.  Words can't describe that.

Crossing the finish line, with my friends behind me the whole way.

I know I can do a marathon in under 3:30, there is not even the slightest doubt in my mind I can.  But given the circumstances of this weekend, God I hate making excuses when it comes to running, this is so hard for me to do, but I'm going to make an exception for this one. They say running is 4 parts mental and 1 part physical.  I believe it.  My body had done the training, it was ready, but my mind had been shattered.  At mile 9, I felt like I was at mile 18.  I just had nothing, and it was purely the grace of God that pulled me across that finish line.  Thank you to anyone who prayed for me.  You are the reason I finished.

Ty helps lead worship on a a church retreat with middle-schoolers

So now we are here.

And there is a question that needs to be answered.  A question that should be answered.  This question, I'm afraid, may never fully be answered.  And that is why.  Why.  Why.  Why did he do it.  Why did he chose to leave us early.

There is no one correct answer.  And we may never have a full answer.  But what we do know is this.

For at least the past 2 years, probably longer, Ty has been struggling greatly with suicidal thoughts.  This information is something Ty has kept extremely private.  To give you a sense of how private this was, I didn't know.  His parents didn't know.  His roommates didn't know.  There were only a couple of people.  The way they found out and dealt with that information is their story, and that belongs to them.

Ty with some good friends at Holiday World.
(Back row) Austen Sheilds, Grant Serlack, Austin Tarter, Nick Jenshak, Zack Wright
Jake Heyerdahl is next to Ty. 

This 'why' question still hasn't really been answered though.  Because the heartbreaking truth is that suicidal thoughts are pretty normal leading up to committing the act.  Here is the fact of the matter: I don't really know why.  I don't really have an answer.  The situation changes every day as people come forward with new information, and with their sides of the story.  But Ty left us with no note, no letter, just a tweet sent an hour before.  All we have is a search history, and the collective testimonies of all of those who have experienced life with him.

So I'm going to take the time to say this now.

If you have any information that you think might even be remotely helpful as to answering this 'why' question, please get in contact with Ty's mother, Sydney Lamb.  We have a lot puzzle pieces, but not all of them are fitting together, and some of them might be to the wrong puzzle, but it's obvious that some of the pieces are missing.

But for now, we must face the reality that we may never be able to grasp a clear answer as to why such an amazing person left us so young.  Was it depression?  Was it bullying?  Was it fear of being accepted for who he really was?  Was it shame of the past?  Just pieces.  And this is just not the place for me to elaborate on these pieces.  They are still extremely important questions, and if this isn't enough for you, my number is at the bottom of the blog.  We can talk.

Ty and Parker Rea had leading roles during Dessert Theater, 2012

I pray that knowledge of this does not change anything about how you remember Brandon Tyler Williams.  I'll give you some extra line breaks to go ahead and get those thoughts out of your head right now, so you can read the rest of this and remember Ty the way he deserves to be remembered.






First of all, Ty we all miss you.  You were seriously a member of my family.  Last November Ty came and celebrated Thanksgiving with my extended family, so they all met Ty there.  We had made plans to stay with my grandparents overnight for the race, so when my dad called to tell them what had happened, my grandma started to cry.  She met Ty once.  I can't think of any better way to sum up what kind of person Ty Williams was than that.

At graduation with Coach McAloon and Mrs. Coryell

Ty was so strong in his faith in God, and it's because of this there is not a doubt in my mind he is in heaven with God right now.  But that is also why all of this makes me feel so uneasy.  We had both accepted Christ together at around the same time, in the first half of our senior years of high school.  We both started to take ownership of our faith, and actively pursued God both in our personal walks, and with each other.  We were both in the same small group, and more than that we were both accountability partners.  That basically means we would make efforts to stay in contact during the week and check up on one another, and guide each other in our personal walks with the Lord.  We made efforts to call each other once a week, and kept that up through a significant portion of college too.

Were we great accountability partners?  No.  I wouldn't even go as far to say we were good.  How can you be at such a young age, when you are still so young in your faith?  I am still so young.  When he asked me how I was "really doing", there was stuff I never told him.  There was stuff I held on to.  There was stuff I  kept to myself, because I was ashamed to let anyone else know, even my best friend.  Looking back, I know Ty held back in the same way I did.

But ya-know, I wish he hadn't.  I wish he had just told me what was really going on.  What he was really going though.  If only he knew that I would have thought nothing less of him.  On the contrary I would have thought more.  Ty I would have thought nothing less of you.  Maybe if I hadn't held back, he wouldn't have either.  I'm not blaming myself by any means, I'm just wondering.

At the Indy 500

It makes sense now why Ty had never told anyone.  His personality, his character, how everyone he met loved him instantly, how he was a natural leader, how he could connect with anyone, how he was always the center of the crowd, was his identity.  It was who he was, and he never in a million years wanted anyone to see through that, to see that there was something different on the inside.

Now we are getting into the legacy of Ty Williams. Now we are getting to the part that will make me cry as I type.

First of all, I need to say that Ty's legacy is US.

The people who knew him, those who have memories of him, anyone who was touched by Ty Williams in any way, you are his legacy.  I know that Ty will never really be gone, because I still say things that make me think of him, and I still do that 'black' handshake with one of my friends at IU.  So much of his personality has rubbed off on me through the years.  Because Ty's personality has become so indistinguishable with who I am, I can't tell the difference between the parts of me I got from Ty and the parts of me I had before I knew him.

Ty's family celebrating Christmas in Hawaii

And I think that is just a taste of how Ty can and will live on in all of us.  There is nothing we have to do, there is no way we need to act differently, because just by knowing his smile, and remembering his laugh, we have already been changed.

But, there is a second part to Ty's legacy, and this part requires action.  It requires change.

Ty's death has revealed to me the importance of being open with someone.  Maybe it's just one person, maybe it's a small group, maybe it's your pastor, who knows.  But there NEEDS to be at least one person who knows everything about you.  It is so necessary.  You just absolutely need to have someone in your life who REALLY knows what you are going through.  Who REALLY cares about you.  And you HAVE to tell them everything.  It doesn't have to be all at once, you should reveal more and more to that person as your relationship deepens.

A relationship like this requires time, it requires proximity, and it demands love.  If you don't have anything like this in your life, find it, and find it now.  This advice is not just for Christians.  It is for Atheists, agnostics and Mormons.  It is for Buddhists and Muslims and Jews.  Or if religion is the last thing on your mind.  If you don't know where to look, a great place to start would be the Christian church.  That is certainly not the only place, but that is a great place.  Community and accountability is somewhat a specialty of the church.  Don't do it alone.  Please don't try to do it alone.  Please.  You don't have to.

Then there's the flip side.  We also MUST be intentional in our relationships.  We can not, and we must not be satisfied with not knowing how our friends and family are doing, or assuming they are doing fine because we haven't asked, or because it always seems like they are doing fine.  We just can't.

No, Ty is not angry or confused.   He has just always been really good at
not smiling normally for pictures.  Let's just assume 'happy' for this one.

I'm willing to bet money on this, that you, reading this right now, might not be doing ok.  Sure, on the surface you're fine, but deep down where you never share, you are hiding pain.  Maybe you only think you're doing good because you haven't thought about it in a while.  Or maybe you are really doing fine, in which case I lose my bet.  Or maybe, you lost a really close friend, and don't know how to deal with it.

It's a tragedy, that we all sit in our restaurants and in our cars, surrounded by ourselves and caring about the world only as it relates to us.  Every person you walk by, every cashier at the store, every porn star on the internet has a story, and has a soul, and because there is sin in this world, they might have some really bad pain hiding within.  Why don't we talk to each other about it?  Why do we not care enough to ask?  Why are we so ashamed to tell?

So how do we deal on our own?  We cut ourselves, we shoot up, we drink to forget, we decide not to eat or to eat too much and we just keep trying and trying and trying until we are so deep in failure it becomes all we know.  At that point, we either give up on trying to carry the weight of our problems, or we just keep holding on to them, not realizing that it's a weight we were never meant to carry in the first place.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
(Matthew 11:28-30, NIV)

That is Jesus talking.  We are not meant to carry this stuff alone.  I'm not going to talk about this a lot, but in case this does raise questions, accepting Christ as your Lord and savior is typically a one time thing.  Learning to cast your burdens onto him, and to fully rely on him for strength is a process that takes a lifetime to master.

And as for intentionality in relationships?

I don't know how we can ask why one man killed himself, yet stand by and watch us all kill ourselves day after day.

Ty and his little sis

But thank God for the victory of the cross.  Thank God there is an end to all of this suffering.  Thank God for Jesus.  In my opinion, the most important thing for anyone to do is point people to Jesus.  But some people like Ty, already had him.  So that's what makes the rest of this so so important.

Ty's death is no ones fault.  Let's be very clear, I'm not saying that more intentionality could have saved him.  I mean maybe, but we have no idea.  There is so much to the story of Ty Williams, I could never simplify it down to matter of him not being open enough or people not being intentional enough.

But that doesn't mean we shouldn't try.

Maybe there is someone in your life who is close to you, but when you think about it you realize you don't REALLY know how they are doing, and that REALLY you don't know them at all.  Or maybe you are the one going through a rough patch.  Or maybe you are the one who has never seen a good patch before.

Break through the surface level.  It's not easy.  I suck at it.  I'm so bad, but usually if someone opens up to me first, I can do a little bit better job of opening up to them.  But it's so important to living this life.  Do it because it's easier in the end.  Do it because of Ty.

That I think will ultimately be the biggest legacy of Brandon Tyler Williams.  Everything I just typed out, I've learned through the death of one of my closest friends.  That information is now a part of me, and I am going to try harder now with pursing and deepening both the relationships with those I love and those that are casual friends.  I am going to actually take tangible steps in order get to the point where I can take a total leap of faith, and share with people, or maybe just one person, the things I keep locked away.  The things I don't even want to think about.  It's important because everyone thought Ty was ok.  No one saw this coming.  No more surprises guys. It's time to show people the love they deserve to be shown.  And even some of the love they don't deserve.

When I think back to all of my memories I've had with Ty, they almost don't seem real.  I wonder what he was hiding, how he was really feeling, and wonder if I was actually getting the real, genuine Ty.  I hate these thoughts.  They make me feel sick.  I just keep telling myself that what I remember was the real Ty.  The Ty we all knew was the real Ty.  That was just who he was.  He was complex, he was a unique creation of God.

Ty will live on in those who knew him forever.  But if we can manage to change just one person, and get to know them on that deeper level, then Ty's legacy will live on in them too.  If we can manage that, Ty will live on forever.  But either way his soul will never die.  Death isn't the end you know.  I'm starting to think that death on this earth is somewhere close to the very beginning.

RIP Brandon Tyler Williams

May 4th, 1994 - May 2nd, 2014

edit - 5-12-14
Everyday I am seeing more and more the far-reaching legacy of Ty Williams.  Countless people who never even knew Ty have reached out to tell me of the impact this story has had on them.  One person has told me they are changing their major to psychology to focus on depression and suicide in young adults.  My brother has decided to start running, and he even went on his first run this past weekend.  That may not seem all that significant, but I started to cry when he told me that, because my brother is the farthest thing from a runner.  Only Ty could have done that.  Thank you to the thousands who have read this blog, and are keeping his legacy alive.
-Jacob Carson


Thanks for reading.  Text/call me with any specific questions, comments or concerns, or if you find typos, I hate those.  Or if you just want to talk.
(317)529-9745
All pictures taken from Facebook.

The soft warm lie (a distant cousin of the cold hard truth)

Listen to this song as you read, it helps

I heard something today that stood out to me.  It caught my attention, if only for a moment.  It caught my attention because you never hear anyone say it.  Because people don't talk like this.  People don't think like this.  I definitely don't think like this at least. Here's what I heard:

As for man, his days are like grass;

he flourishes like a flower of the field;

for the wind passes over it, and it is gone,

and its place knows it no more.

Wow that's depressing.  Alright on to the next order of business, let's see, umm spring break is coming up does anyone have any fun pla- NOW WAIT A MINUTE!  You just thought, WE HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THIS.

Stop yelling jeezsh.  I can give you 2 good reasons why we can and should gloss over this saying thing or whatever it is.

1. It doesn't even rhyme.   
2. It's not relevant. To my life.

Here's why it's not relevant, my week has sucked.  I mean like big time sucked.  Spring break can not come soon enough.  I'm knee deep in support raising (which is a ton of work btw) and a Chinese speaking final (which is a ton of work btw) and I can't really say at this point either is going well.    Add on top girl problems (I'm still single, and still haven't gotten hold of the whole "mingle" yet, despite me being "ready" for a while now), and boom, freaking awful week.  I know I'm making this seem light hearted but I'm not in a good mood right now. 

That passage up above comes from scripture.  Specifically Psalm 105:15-16.  What the Psalmst (King David) is saying is that our lives are short and insignificant.  There's a second half to this verse that make this make more sense (we'll talk about it here in a sec), but you can understand how reading this doesn't exactly bring comfort in the wake of what I'm going through right now.

I can't think about how fragile my life is, I have so much Chinese to memorize before Friday morning.  My own insignificance feels pretty insignificant compared to my problems. 

I was saying that I heard this passage: I did, at the Cru meeting last night, it was read along with all of Psalm 103.  But 15-16 stood out to me so much that as soon as I got back to my room I read the verses for myself.  The reason they stood out to me was because I hardly ever stop to think like this.  I know I can't speak for everyone internally, but externally I don't hear people talk like this.

"My own insignificance feels pretty insignificant compared to my problems."

How often do conversations actually go down like this:

"Hey how's you week going?"

"Not bad.  What about yours?"

"Does it really matter, in the grand scheme of things we are just a spec of dust in the massive span of existence, an existence is so brief this world will never remember us."

That's what I thought.  My week is going terrible, here's another thing to make me feel even worse.

But my week is not over yet, and neither is Psalm 103

Read it here: http://www.esvbible.org/Psalm%2B103/.  That's when you realize, or at least, I realized.  The entire Psalm is about God.  It praises a God who has no end, who can cure every disease, who can heal any sin no matter how deep, who gives us a crown of constant mercy that we just flat out do not deserve.

Bless the only one who can satisfy us for our entire existence, bless the only one who has grace deep enough to dig up the roots of our pain, and our problems, and bring the entire tree down so nothing, not even a twig stands in our way.  He gives us more life than food ever could give, more breath than air ever yields, and more love than could fit between the east and the west.  

Guys, the east and the west have no boundaries.  His love has no boundaries, it is so big numbers, metaphors, nothing can quantify it, so therefore all throughout the Bible and throughout existence people just keep praising, keep screaming, keep whispering "God," in order to somehow do justice to this amazing and perfect creator. 

I will extol you, my God and King,

and bless your name forever and ever.

Every day I will bless you

and praise your name forever and ever.

Great is the Lord, and greatly to be praised,

and his greatness is unsearchable. (Psalm 145:1-3, ESV)

Because once you've been touched by God, you cant help but scream "Lord, I love you," and then just cry, and never stop crying because you realize that no matter how much you say it, and mean it from the depth of your heart, it will never be enough to show how awesome he is. Verse 17a says:

But the steadfast love of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting.

From the beginning.  Before the big bang, before matter, before darkness, he loved you.  To the end.  This is after the earth stops spinning and darkness falls, and matter is gone and existence isn't real, because God has pulled the curtain, and his story is completely done, down to every last molecule.  

That is the span of God's love, and that is why verses 15-16 shouldn't make you feel small.  They should make God look big.  Because he is.  

What if none of that made sense?

Ugly truth time, it's hard for me to internalize all of this.  I want to be in tears over the beauty of God, and the depth of his love, but I am just not in the mood for it right now.  Cold hard truth.  I may have gotten a goosebump or two typing this blog, but that's about it.  

If we jump all the way back to what I said in the beginning about 15-16 not being "relevant", it's obvious that the verses are there to give us perspective unto the nature of God, but when I'm at my worst, close to where I am right now, I never really care much for the nature of God.  Funny how our problems just seem to overwhelm us like that.  

I know my problems are supposed to be small, but to me they just aren't.  Thankfully God meets us where we're at, and there is grace for every situation.  I can jump into more detail about this, but that would make this just way too long.  It's too long as it is. 

If you are like me and are having a tough week, this whole blog probably meant nothing too you.  You probably read it all and felt nothing move, not even a flutter deep down.  That's not bad.  Time to be real that's where I'm at right now.  But God is so unbelievably big that it makes little difference to him if you are constantly aware of how amazing he is.  That's comfort enough for me right now.  

But maybe you wont be having a bad week here soon, and then it might be easier to take a step back, and fall in love with your creator all over again.  I hope these verses can help you.

For I, the Lord your God,

hold your right hand;

it is I who say to you, “Fear not,

I am the one who helps you.” (Isaiah 41:13, ESV)

Cast your burden on the Lord,

and he will sustain you;

he will never permit

the righteous to be moved. (Psalm 55:22, ESV)

I can do all things through him who gives me strength (Phillipians 4:13, NIV)

Valentine's Day is not a real holiday

So it's Valentine's Day (or it was when I was typing this, my apologies) again.  Let's get this day over with.  Valentine's Day, for those of you who are new to the internet (welcome) has commonly come to be referred to as "single awareness day", " d day", and "the worst holiday ever."
Personally I don't think it's a holiday at all because I didn't get school off.  In fact, here's what I did today:

Woke up and ran 8 miles.
Stretched my knee because that's been bothering me.
Went to my computing class and took a test.
It snowed.
Watched some Top Gear.
Drove through a snowstorm to buy some chocolate (for myself if you were wondering).
Got dinner at Pizza Hut with friends.
Watched more Top Gear.

Honestly for me this couldn't have been more of a typical Friday.  But leading up to this day was a different story.  About Wednesday-ish I got hit with that familiar pang.  That 'ouch'.  That 'sigh'.  That, well, I don't know that feeling you get when you're not really all that happy.  Let's cut to the point I was bummed because I was still single.

It's now been like what two years?  I mean come on ladies this is prime dating material right here!  I'm in shape too and I have a soft side and I can speak Chinese.   嘿女孩 (I also am getting good at taking pictures, so if we date expect DSLR selfies)

But here's the crazy thing. If you're reading this I'm willing to bet that at one point in your life (probably now if your a 20-something) you have felt/are feeling this too.  This loneliness.

We all want to be in a relationship.

There I said it.  Now to make a few amendments.  No this isn't true all across the board.  Everyone is at a different point in their life.  Everyone has a different life.  But yet one way or another most of us, no matter what mood we're in, no matter what we're doing, have that little hangnail of singleness sitting there in the corner of our eye.  People in long term relationships, you will not understand.  Married people, you will not understand.  Or maybe you will all understand even more.

This is the time of year people realize that they are single and vocalize this fact via Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, you name it.  But I would like to propose a solution.

So you're single.  And I'm single.  So we should, ummm date.  We can have all of the single women stand in one line and the men in the other and they can all pick out someone pretty (or of equal size) and get paired up.  Then we'll all be in a relationship and we'll all be happy.

WRONG.

No, I do not want to be in a relationship with a stranger, or someone I don't know very well.  Or even someone I do know very well.  Or even someone I like (for the fact I don't know them very well).

Here is a point I am trying to make:
It's not a relationship we want.  It's love.

"So you're single.  And I'm single.  So we should, ummm date."

When we get that sad feeling in our stomachs, and that little tinge of longing that comes from imagining a relationship, what we really are after is the love.  That girl or guy we have a crush on.  We don't just want to date them.  We want to be loved by them.  We want them to put their head on our shoulder, to stroke our hair, to smile.  But not out of obligation.  Out of love.

But hang on a second Jake, you are probably saying.  We get love from our parents, from our friends, from our brothers and sisters.  How is that not enough?  Why are we not satisfied?  Well answer this,  Will we ever be satisfied?

I'm going to do something crazy.  I'm going to propose a love that can't come from a boyfriend or a girlfriend.  It's a love that can only come from one man.

That man is Jesus.

Jesus, if you didn't know, was a real person (even atheist scholars can not deny his existence) who lived about 2000 years ago and willingly gave up his life to be crucified on a cross.  And he did it, out of love.

Jesus dying on the cross was the single greatest act of love the world has seen, or ever will see.  He endured torture, he went through literal Hell so you could spend the rest of your life, no, forever, with God.

He did it for you.  Not a nameless or a faceless you who passes by and whose memory is gone like the wind, YOU insert name here, he knows YOU and he love YOU.  And oh how he knows you.  He knows your darkest secrets.  He knows your deepest desires.  He sees your dreams, he knows your heart, and all of the evil, dark things about you that you try to hide, even from yourself.  This is far more than a boyfriend or girlfriend could ever know.  But yet God loves you anyways.

That is love.  That is true love.

When we get in a relationship, it's awesome for a while.  Maybe a few months.  Maybe a few years.  Maybe 20.  Maybe 40.  But then that fire sizzles out, the love for the partner may not be gone, but there comes a time when we realize we never found the thing we sought out to look for in the first place.

I believe that the love we are looking for in relationships can only be satisfied by love from God.  God showed this love by coming down to earth, living a perfect life, and dying on the cross.  And all He asks us to do is to love him back.

He's not forcing us too.  He's not tying us down like a crazed ex-girlfriend and screaming "love me!"  If anything we're the ones screaming, but we're not tied down.  And He is reaching out his hand to pick us up.  We don't deserve His love and there's nothing we can do to earn it just like there's nothing we can do to earn the wind or the trees or the stars.

You can hate God.  He still loves you.  You can deny Him.  He still loves you.  You can ignore him for years.  He still loves you.  You can not believe.  He still loves you.  You can curse, you can scream, "Why God, Why are you doing this! I hate you!" I tired that one recently (in a slightly different context than dating).  God still loves me no less.  He didn't even bat an eye.  Go ahead and try that in a normal relationship and see how long it lasts.

If you haven't yet made the decision to complete the relationship, and love God back... do it.  What is stopping you.  If you doubt God is real, I understand.  I've struggled with that myself.

"We don't deserve His love and there's nothing we can do to earn it, just like there's nothing we can do to earn the wind or the trees or the stars."

But for me it's this feeling.  I get it when I'm walking around at night, and there is no one else around, just the wind and the trees and the stars, that somehow, in someway, I am not alone.  The air against my back, and the gentle push of reality is shouting that this world, this beautiful world, wasn't just randomly assembled, but painstakingly created.  Is it a mind trick?  Is it just me wanting to believe that there is a God so badly that I trick myself into believing there is one?

When I accepted Christ a couple years ago, I couldn't stop crying.  There were tons of people around me but I just cried my eyes out, and I wanted to stop but I couldn't.  I'm crying right now when I type this just thinking about it.  Some people say what is real is only what can be measured and perceived.  I'll tell you what I felt.  I felt God.  I felt loved.  Maybe those people are right.  Maybe seeing really is believing.

I'll leave you with this excerpt from Psalm 139.  More and more God has been speaking truth to me through this verse and I hope He will do the same for you.

1 You have searched me, Lord,
    and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
    you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
    you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
    you, Lord, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
    and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
    Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
    if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
    your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
    and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
    the night will shine like the day,
    for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.
17 

How precious to me are your thoughts, God!

    How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
    they would outnumber the grains of sand—
    when I awake, I am still with you.

All the time is spiritual time

"Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me." - Mark 8:34

I'm already excited for next semester of college, and for me (and literally everyone) the only thing that stands in the way is time.  So I suppose the important question is what am I going to do with my time.  I don't mean like literal time, that is going to be taken up with work and vacations and stuff.  I'm talking about the only time that really matters, spiritual time.  

Spiritual time should mean more than just time allotted for reflection and prayer.  It should mean more than just time spent with God.  Spiritual time doesn't exist separate than normal time, it can and should exist at the same time as normal time.   Spiritual is time spent living the way Jesus calls us to live.

But what does it mean to live the way Jesus called us to?  How did Jesus call us to live?

Very good questions.  You get a gold star for today.  Mark 8:34-37 (also see Luke 14:27, Matthew 16:24) says:

And calling the crowd to him with his disciples, he said to them, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. 35 For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake and the gospel's will save it. 36 For what does it profit a man to gain the whole world and forfeit his soul?37 For what can a man give in return for his soul? (ESV)
Jesus is basically saying that following him, takes effort.  It takes commitment, it takes the denial of what ever you want to do with your day doing what God wants you to do.  This is not easy, nor should it be.  

Every part of our culture is about comfort and self indulgence.  'You!, You! You!'  This has been said before so I wont focus on it.  But what Jesus is saying is completely counter cultural.  He wants us to DENY that part of our self, that part of our self that seeks being comfortable, and puts itself first.  

I keep a copy of Mark 8:34 in my wallet

Deep down, all I want to do this summer is work, hang out with friends and stay in my room playing xbox.  But God is calling out me in this verse.  This summer God wants me to break back out of my comfort zone, something that was easy to do starting college, but now back home it will significant effort.  God wants me to talk to people, deepen the spiritual relationships I have with current friends, and most importantly, spread his Gospel.  That thought just makes me uncomfortable.  

And that is a good thing! Because by keeping to myself, by pursuing what I want, and doing what I feel comfortable doing, I gain a lot on this earth.  But when I die, I can count that all as lost, because all that will be left is my soul.  And what profit do I get for gaining the world but then forfeiting my soul.  

If someone is reading this and says "Well Christianity sucks, I could never be good enough to be a part of that."  Stop thinking that.  Because no matter what I do, no matter what any of you do, we will never be good enough for God.  The only way that can happen is if we accept Jesus into our lives.  It's Jesus that saves us, not being a good person, not being 'good enough'.  These works are a result of us being saved, not a cause.  Even if I were to absolutely fall flat on my face in failure this summer, I can take hope in the fact I'm not saved through my works, only through the blood of the lamb.  I think that's one of the most misunderstood facts about Christianity.  

So I know what I'm doing with my time this summer.  I going to spend all my time in constant spiritual time.  I'm going to let God take control, and I am going to pick up cross, and make an effort to follow God.  Even if fail, Jesus is there to pick me up.  Always.  Stay thirsty my friends.  Or not.  John 4:14

God has a plan, it just dont make sense

I don't want to be cliche and say this freshman year of college has been like an emotional and spiritual roller coaster, but there have certainly been ups and downs along the way.  While I've let my emotions take control at times, thanks to the accountability of friends and my bible study, I've seen a steady uphill growth in my walk with Christ.  Praise be to God for that.

My word of advice for any high school senior about to open a new chapter in their life is to GET CONNECTED.  I think this looks a little different for everyone, but for me, it involved finding an on-campus ministry like Cru.  Being connected through friends who genuinely care about you and a ministry that wants to deepen your relationship with Jesus help, like a lot.  It's just something you dont even realize how beneficial it is until you dont have it anymore.  I'm not trying to advertise Cru or anything, that's just the one I'm involved with.

A reoccurring theme this semester for me has been trying to figure out Gods plan. Actually, this has been an something I've been trying to figure out my whole life. We all know the verse in Jeremiah 29:11: "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." (ESV) If this verse is new to you, the gist of it is God is in control. The God of the universe, the God of heaven and earth, of good and evil, the God that breathed out stars, that same God has a plan and purpose for your life. And it's a good plan. Wow, that takes my breath away a little bit.

"The Pillars of Creation" (left pillar is 7 light years long)

But still I'm left asking the question "What is my plan?" I want to know the details, I want to figure everything out. I've come to learn the problem with this way of thinking is that we cant just 'reason out' Gods plan for us. Around the beginning of this semester I was starting to think it all made sense. I had Gods plan figured out, I knew exactly who I would be with, and what kind of person I would end up as. I would look back on things that had happened to me in the past and say "well that made perfect sense because I now I'm here doing this. I now know why God did X and Y." Just recently, God turned that way of thinking on its head.

God's plan does not really make sense.  It's unexpected, rude, hilarious, frustrating and at times strange.  To really make any sense of it, we have to look at the big picture.  Like the picture above.  (Get it, big picture, because the picture is of something really big but its also a saying).  The omnipotent, omnipresent and omniscient God, made every single star, and planned out when each would die and be born.  He did the same  for every single human that has been born, or ever will be born on this planet.  God isn't just shaping us into who we are going to be next week or next month.  He is also not just shaping us into who we will be in 20, 30 years.  He is shaping all mankind for what it will be in a thousand years, a million years.  When you look at the big picture, it makes perfect sense.

I look back on my freshman year on all that has happened, I can hardly make any sense out of half of it.  But I do know that I came through it all closer and more knowledgeable of God.  Stay thirsty my friends.  Or not. John 4:14.